sara h.

i felt confident last night. sturdy. strong. i could walk with my head held high. i didn't even feel like myself. my body moved involuntarily to the beat of the music. i love those moments. they're fleeting, they come and go. but it's such a stable feeling. i'm working on keeping my head up. working on thinking big. thinking strong. the negative thoughts always manage to creep their way in, but i'm working on it. i'm learning to push them out. to change my thought process. i've come a long way, i give myself credit for that. but, realistically, i have a ways to go. i like feeling confident. i like who i become when i feel that way. my stance, my poise. it seems like everyday i learn something new about myself. it's exciting. like watching yourself grow up. i think i like who i am becoming. i like waking up everyday and realizing slowly that i'm the only person who can make myself happy. i determine the outcome of my day.

i'm pretty amazed at how independent i'm learning to become. and how much i learn about myself everyday. each day has its low point, and i have difficultly gathering myself together at that moment. but ultimately, i realize every day more and more how great my life is. when i initially heard about my ex's new girlfriend, i hit a new low. my mind was racing. my heart aching. so many emotions came flooding through me. but i knew myself. i knew it wouldn't take much for me to be okay. i just needed some time to compose myself. dancing alone in my room was all it took. the sturdy beat. the empowering lyrics. the happy memories they provided. that's all i needed. the small things. that remind me that i'm strong. that i'm sturdy. and stable. to remind me over and over that i really am happy. and so blessed.

i remember watching florence last night at the show- mesmerized. the power she had in her voice, the emotion she portrayed. it was incredible. standing center stage- arms spread wide, head held back, wind blowing her hair, and lights shadowing her. she looked so free. so open. so ready. so indestructible, resilient. i thought to myself, that's the place i need to find. getting places and going somewhere...it's not a location or moment in time- it's a frame of mind. i have no idea what i expect out of life or what i want to do with my life, but i do know how i want to be. who i want to be. how i want to feel. i know the frame of mind that i want. i show it to myself on occasion. it's rare, but it guides me. it reminds me to remain strong, to evaluate myself each and every day. every decision. to change the things that make me unhappy and to constantly look foward- not back. that's the hardest part. but everyday is a chance to try. i realize my past was great. and i'm so grateful for that. but the future holds SO much more than the past does.

i'm really working on building strong relationships here. i had trouble opening myself to people- letting people see who i really was. but i'm getting there piece by piece, moment by moment. i have four months left here. four months left with these people. four months to experience as much as possible. it scares me, but that fear pushes me. i feel like i was hiding before. hiding who i was. what i wanted. hiding behind uncertainty. behind the comfort of what i had. but that's who i was. not who i am. now i keep promising myself i can have anything i want if i put myself out there to get it. stand bare, unafraid, uninhibited. keep running towards that something, taking nothing with me. leaving everything behind me. assuring myself that the bad days are no longer. that all that reminds is an open, blank slate.

i have relapses, as anyone would. and i feel bad that i always put this burden on Shannon. but she's one of the only people who i can go to and i know she will listen. and she will tell me exactly what i need. she knows me so well. she know what i need. what i want. she has always seen the best in me. even when i couldn't find it. so she keeps me strong. keeps me pointed in the right direction. i don't think i'd be who i was without her. god, i'm so fucking lucky. keep looking forward, Sara. keep strong. keep sturdy. keep your head up. keep it high. and your spirits higher.