sara h.

i always forget how much i love people watching. i forget the amusement in seeing people go about their lives. the other day, i was sitting in a cafe in brugge drinking coffee, just watching. watching couples walk arm-in-arm, watching children chase pigeons, watching people embrace as they say goodbye. i realize the same things every time i sit back and just take it all in. i realize that all people are the same everywhere you go. every town, every city, every state, every country. i thought leaving home was what i needed. that it would solve all of my problems. every thing that hurt me would go away. every one that hurt me would be gone. but you can't run. if you run, all the pain, all the hurt, all the frustrations, all the death, all the sickness, all the sadness, it follows you. and even when it's not the same people, it's still there. in different forms. different models of the same thing. that's why you have to start with yourself. you have to fix you before anything else can be fixed. that's where my problem lies. i don't know where to begin. what to fix. what hurts. all that i know is that i need change. after sara passed away, the fixing began. i jumped from person to person, thing to thing, in search of fixing whatever it was that was wrong. i held to the first tangible thing that made the pain subside, even a little bit. but still, something was missing. time to keep trying. trial and error. one day at a time. one choice at a time. one step at a time. and since then, that is all that my life has consisted of. constant searching, constant uncertainties. but i'm still trying. coming here has help me to grow in ways i can't even fathom. i've learned to savor solitude. learned to enjoy being with nothing but my thoughts and a good cup of coffee. sitting on the train, watching the world go by. watching the trees pass by, the houses pass by, the cities pass by. and in all of these objects and places, life continues. that's why i know that i'll be alright. how can i be lonely when there's so much in the world? how can i miss people thousands of miles away when there are so many people to meet in the present. that's where i think my problem is. i'm living in the past. missing what was, missing things that have already happened. i need to live for me in the now. stop nostalgically missing who i was, or where i was, or what we were. i need to enjoy what is in front of me. take advantage of the opportunities before me. see what the would has to offer. and what i can provide for the world. let go of all of the hurt. let go of all of the past. let go of the anchors keeping me docked up at shore. starting now, i need to let the anchors free. delve into the waters of the world and its backing rays of light. because that's the only way i can make myself happy. and now that's where i am. now i take it one day at a time. now i breathe in. now i breathe out. and i keep trying and keep pushing until i get where i need to be. i may not know where that place is just yet, but that's what the adventure is all about. learning. growing. trying. failing. succeeding. and in between, enjoying it all.