i need to exert my energy into things worthwhile. i'm really trying to take new chances on things i want. i'm not even sure what it is that holds me back. insecurities? fear? uncertainty? rejection? i need to let any and all of those things go. because what is life if you live it without going after what you want? there's a reason that you long for it. a reason it consumes your mind. and if things don't go as you had hoped, then so what? that's the worst possible outcome and it's not really all that bad. things will return to how they were before you took that leap. from then on, you can live your life with the pride of knowing that you tried. you took a chance. you put yourself on a limb with the possibility of getting defeated. you never have to wonder what could have been. that's a damn could feeling. that's something to be proud of. something to learn from and grow from. i realize more and more how much i hate repetition. how much i hate for things to stay the same. i hate waking up and knowing what the day holds for me. i like taking things as they come. the idea of steady plans scares me. i feel like it leads to disappointment, or if not such, then just flat boredom. i constantly long for new things. adventures. excitement. challenges. i like being challenged. i like going into something thinking i can't do it. it pushes me that much more. it makes me long for it more. and when i do achieve it- fuck i love that feeling. no more letting opportunities pass me by. i'm going to make a difference. i'm going to be apart of something. i'm going to make a change in my life. i need a deep breath. i have way too many thoughts.

tonight was incredible. i love how significantly better everyday gets.

i felt confident last night. sturdy. strong. i could walk with my head held high. i didn't even feel like myself. my body moved involuntarily to the beat of the music. i love those moments. they're fleeting, they come and go. but it's such a stable feeling. i'm working on keeping my head up. working on thinking big. thinking strong. the negative thoughts always manage to creep their way in, but i'm working on it. i'm learning to push them out. to change my thought process. i've come a long way, i give myself credit for that. but, realistically, i have a ways to go. i like feeling confident. i like who i become when i feel that way. my stance, my poise. it seems like everyday i learn something new about myself. it's exciting. like watching yourself grow up. i think i like who i am becoming. i like waking up everyday and realizing slowly that i'm the only person who can make myself happy. i determine the outcome of my day.

i'm pretty amazed at how independent i'm learning to become. and how much i learn about myself everyday. each day has its low point, and i have difficultly gathering myself together at that moment. but ultimately, i realize every day more and more how great my life is. when i initially heard about my ex's new girlfriend, i hit a new low. my mind was racing. my heart aching. so many emotions came flooding through me. but i knew myself. i knew it wouldn't take much for me to be okay. i just needed some time to compose myself. dancing alone in my room was all it took. the sturdy beat. the empowering lyrics. the happy memories they provided. that's all i needed. the small things. that remind me that i'm strong. that i'm sturdy. and stable. to remind me over and over that i really am happy. and so blessed.

i remember watching florence last night at the show- mesmerized. the power she had in her voice, the emotion she portrayed. it was incredible. standing center stage- arms spread wide, head held back, wind blowing her hair, and lights shadowing her. she looked so free. so open. so ready. so indestructible, resilient. i thought to myself, that's the place i need to find. getting places and going somewhere...it's not a location or moment in time- it's a frame of mind. i have no idea what i expect out of life or what i want to do with my life, but i do know how i want to be. who i want to be. how i want to feel. i know the frame of mind that i want. i show it to myself on occasion. it's rare, but it guides me. it reminds me to remain strong, to evaluate myself each and every day. every decision. to change the things that make me unhappy and to constantly look foward- not back. that's the hardest part. but everyday is a chance to try. i realize my past was great. and i'm so grateful for that. but the future holds SO much more than the past does.

i'm really working on building strong relationships here. i had trouble opening myself to people- letting people see who i really was. but i'm getting there piece by piece, moment by moment. i have four months left here. four months left with these people. four months to experience as much as possible. it scares me, but that fear pushes me. i feel like i was hiding before. hiding who i was. what i wanted. hiding behind uncertainty. behind the comfort of what i had. but that's who i was. not who i am. now i keep promising myself i can have anything i want if i put myself out there to get it. stand bare, unafraid, uninhibited. keep running towards that something, taking nothing with me. leaving everything behind me. assuring myself that the bad days are no longer. that all that reminds is an open, blank slate.

i have relapses, as anyone would. and i feel bad that i always put this burden on Shannon. but she's one of the only people who i can go to and i know she will listen. and she will tell me exactly what i need. she knows me so well. she know what i need. what i want. she has always seen the best in me. even when i couldn't find it. so she keeps me strong. keeps me pointed in the right direction. i don't think i'd be who i was without her. god, i'm so fucking lucky. keep looking forward, Sara. keep strong. keep sturdy. keep your head up. keep it high. and your spirits higher.

i'm feelin' goood.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BKaFX_mQBhU

=]]

also!

apple_ribs.livejournal.com

100 ways to be a love letter to the universe.

Do your lips up sticky, sparkly & sweet. Then blow kisses. Say thank you. Allow other people to inspire you. Share your bliss. Smile — even if you’re shy, even if you have bad teeth, even if it scares you. Hold someone’s hand. Be honest. Volunteer your time. Love yourself. Do your best. Learn how to balance having respect for other people’s decisions & being true to yourself. Tell people how much you like them. Send unexpected gifts. Talk to strangers. Do favors. Let go. Be generous. Eat whatever you want without guilt. Don’t think about other people’s definitions of success, beauty or happiness. Make your own rules. Write your own guidebook. Count your blessings. Never stop trying to improve. Be your own superhero. Aim higher. Contribute. Create spaces for other people to enjoy. Sleep in. Let other people sleep in, too. Be compassionate. Listen. Give yourself time off. Be enthusiastic. Choose happiness. Create. Follow your passion. Connect. Compliment people. Spend time with people who make you feel good about yourself. Surprise yourself. Appreciate the people who support you. Take photos; document everything. Have a plan. Know your patterns. Be in the present. Laugh. Get close. Move through your fear. Challenge yourself. Keep it simple. Turn up the music. Realise your own freedom. Relax. Flirt. Dress up in some small way every day. Even if it’s just a good pair of knickers or a coat of death-defying mascara. Be different. Be genuine. Allow yourself to change & evolve. Dream big. Believe that you can manifest anything. Take responsibility. Treat everyone the same way — from your lover to your mother to your postman. Appreciate your past for having made you the person you are. Talk about how you feel. Dance. Sing. Let go of guilt. Treat your lovers with respect. Admit your flaws...& come up with a plan to remedy them. Surprise people. Set yourself a really huge goal. Kiss. A lot. Remember that trouble doesn’t last. Be still. Look at the stars. Be as ridiculous as you like. Trust that you are loved. Stay curious. Charm people. Give real hugs. Bat your eyelashes. Forget yourself. Reach out. Flatter people. Get drunk on life. Release your expectations of other people. Allow them to be who they are, & appreciate them regardless. Stretch your imagination. Listen to your instincts. Make eye contact. Keep your word. Talk about real things. Discover yourself. Speak up. Let life excite you & lead you astray. Delight in every day. Don’t be afraid, just love.

i always forget how much i love people watching. i forget the amusement in seeing people go about their lives. the other day, i was sitting in a cafe in brugge drinking coffee, just watching. watching couples walk arm-in-arm, watching children chase pigeons, watching people embrace as they say goodbye. i realize the same things every time i sit back and just take it all in. i realize that all people are the same everywhere you go. every town, every city, every state, every country. i thought leaving home was what i needed. that it would solve all of my problems. every thing that hurt me would go away. every one that hurt me would be gone. but you can't run. if you run, all the pain, all the hurt, all the frustrations, all the death, all the sickness, all the sadness, it follows you. and even when it's not the same people, it's still there. in different forms. different models of the same thing. that's why you have to start with yourself. you have to fix you before anything else can be fixed. that's where my problem lies. i don't know where to begin. what to fix. what hurts. all that i know is that i need change. after sara passed away, the fixing began. i jumped from person to person, thing to thing, in search of fixing whatever it was that was wrong. i held to the first tangible thing that made the pain subside, even a little bit. but still, something was missing. time to keep trying. trial and error. one day at a time. one choice at a time. one step at a time. and since then, that is all that my life has consisted of. constant searching, constant uncertainties. but i'm still trying. coming here has help me to grow in ways i can't even fathom. i've learned to savor solitude. learned to enjoy being with nothing but my thoughts and a good cup of coffee. sitting on the train, watching the world go by. watching the trees pass by, the houses pass by, the cities pass by. and in all of these objects and places, life continues. that's why i know that i'll be alright. how can i be lonely when there's so much in the world? how can i miss people thousands of miles away when there are so many people to meet in the present. that's where i think my problem is. i'm living in the past. missing what was, missing things that have already happened. i need to live for me in the now. stop nostalgically missing who i was, or where i was, or what we were. i need to enjoy what is in front of me. take advantage of the opportunities before me. see what the would has to offer. and what i can provide for the world. let go of all of the hurt. let go of all of the past. let go of the anchors keeping me docked up at shore. starting now, i need to let the anchors free. delve into the waters of the world and its backing rays of light. because that's the only way i can make myself happy. and now that's where i am. now i take it one day at a time. now i breathe in. now i breathe out. and i keep trying and keep pushing until i get where i need to be. i may not know where that place is just yet, but that's what the adventure is all about. learning. growing. trying. failing. succeeding. and in between, enjoying it all.

mijn gedachten

Ik ben langzaam verlies van mijn geloof in de menselijkheid van de mensheid. Maar, ik zal een positief uitkijk proberen te hebben.